omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
