Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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