I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize