It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
