I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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