I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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