is your mom at the bar?
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
