someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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