I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
