Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
