I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
