a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
