I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
