I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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