come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
