I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
