No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
