That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
