i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
