if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
