Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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