What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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