She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
