dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize