I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
