So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
