Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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