After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
