Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
