i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
