Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
