You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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