i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
