My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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