I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
