Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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