I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
