best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
