I wish I could teleport
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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