I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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