there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
