Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize