i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
