I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
