seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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