Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i believe in u and ur pee
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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