Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
