i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
