theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
