i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
