You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
