dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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