Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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