If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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