I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize