my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
