I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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