i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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