Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
