how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
