I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
