How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I didn't notice because vodka
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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