she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
