I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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