i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
