you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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