He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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