I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
