If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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