do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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